The other day I was doing laundry and found a rather tiny pair of shorts in the dirty clothes. I thought they belonged to my friends three year old daughter but realized they belonged instead to mine (she's 8). My initial reaction was perhaps a standard father response: "She's not wearing THOSE outside this house!". It took several days to come to the conclusion that I was, in fact, being sexist.
Before I go on I should say that I understand there are sick fucks out there and it is my job both as a parent and a human being to protect not only my children but all children from predators as much as possible. With that being said if I tell my daughter not to wear something that is in reality not even very revealing (sure they are mighty short and a bit tighter than a poor father would like) what am I telling her? Not to dress like a slut? Not to show off her body? She's eight years old for fuck sake. Hell she's already been to her first Slut Walk and I'm not interested in sending conflicting messages to my children. "Yes of course it's perfectly acceptable for HER to dress like that, she's not my daughter" just doesn't wash.
I should be teaching both of my children to love their bodies. Yes of course I'm well aware of age appropriate dress but we're not talking about her going out in thigh high boots, fishnets, and a mini skirt. I'm not speaking of sexually suggestive dress, simply perhaps covering a bit less skin than I might prefer. I don't want to bring my daughter up thinking she has to dress or act a certain way to appease society. She already has a unique style of dress (usually culminating with non matching bright colors and patterns) and her mother and I should be encouraging this not the opposite.
Am I being sexist (since I wouldn't have thought twice about my son wearing something like that, though I would have surely questioned his fashion sense) or am I just being a normal protective parent in a world full of sick people? Where do we draw the line? When she becomes a teen do I tell her not to dress a certain way because she's "asking to get raped"? Do I place the responsibility of men to control their urges and be decent human beings on my daughter and the way she chooses to dress?
I don't think so. I think I should let her dress however the hell she pleases while teaching her to be ever vigilant of the scumbags of the world. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm open to suggestions.
Yes, you were being sexist. No, it wasn't your fault entirely--you were raised in this culture, and this culture has programmed some pretty rigid gender expectations into all of us. Yes, you're pretty damn awesome for even questioning yourself about it.
ReplyDeleteI think you teach her that she doesn't have to "nice girl" her way through life, that she can and should have appropriate boundaries that she should feel, and be, strong enough to enforce in the world, and that she's aware of resources to help her do that, not the least of which is her dad. But I think you read that article on body autonomy I posted on FB the other day, and I thought that was good--we need to teach our daughters (and our sons, and ourselves) that our bodies, our choices regarding presentation, our lives our are own. That will solve a lot of problems right there.
Interesting article I read today that you might find interesting, too: http://www.xojane.com/issues/dads-you-dont-own-your-daughters
Also, I gave you an award on my blog. Go check it out!
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost thanks Kristie.
ReplyDeleteSecondly I really enjoyed the article at xojane and it raises some great issues that I'd never framed as such before.
We want our children to be happy. A healthy sex life makes us happy. We should want our children to have a healthy sex life. And as much as we'd like to, we don't get to pick what they view as healthy. Of course my arguments against teenage sex are based on the consequences of unwanted pregnancies and stds and not in some silly notion about premarital sex.
I'm making a huge jump in topics from discussing an 8 year old's shorts to sex but I know it will be here before I know it and it's best her mother and I start arming her with information now so that when the time comes she can make an informed decision based on what is healthy and right for her and her alone.
My mother and I still haven't had "The Talk" about sex. Good thing I had a library card and a subscription to Seventeen magazine, or who knows where I'd be.
ReplyDeleteSeems to me that a girl who has been raised to have a strong sense of self-worth, a good head on her shoulders, and trust in herself, will make good decisions for herself. It's not a cure-all, or a prevent-all, but it goes a long way.
A book you might be interested in reading before Miss B. is full on into adolescence is called Reviving Ophelia. I've seen the dynamics described therein play out in many adult women I know. It's worth a read, I think.